There's No Cat In Here

Mmm, Chinese food. This is the only take-out fast food that I will eat, but I don’t do it more than three or four times a year. Why you ask, well even though I love this cuisine I refuse to ingest all that fat and sodium on a regular basis. So in order to satisfy my cravings I make my own Chinese dishes at home; and honestly you can get pretty close in your own kitchen. Of course it will taste a bit different unless you are using MSG and cat meat and chances of that are pretty damn slim.

Of course what we Americans think of as Chinese food is so far from the authentic dishes that it’s not funny. Authentic Chinese cuisine emphasizes the use of vegetables as the main ingredient, this is because Buddhists do not eat meat and there are a ton of Buddhists in China. Over here we are served a plate full of deep fried, heavily sauced meat and about three ears of baby corn, oh so healthy! But have no fear American Chinese restaurants can not legally serve dog or cat meat due to animal rights laws, or so they protest. (China has no such laws).

So how did this change occur? Well back in the nineteenth century Chinese restaurants opened up in America to cater to the immigrant railroad workers, but soon white people discovered these restaurants and began to take a walk on the wild side and patronize the establishments. (There were no animal rights laws back then so it actually was risky chance to take). In order to keep the American customers coming back Chinese cooks adapted their traditional dishes to accommodate local tastes and ingredients. These cooks invented new Americanized dishes such as Chop Suey (leftovers), Beef and Broccoli (a vegetable not available in China), and General Tso’s Chicken (no such man in Chinese history). They also upped the cook time by frying meat to accommodate the faster paced American lifestyle. And by the way, fortune cookies were invented in San Francisco.

In true American tradition let’s start with the meat in our meal, Barbecued Pork. I use a broiling pan when I make this dish that I line with tinfoil to facilitate an easier cleanup. Originally this recipe called for a boneless pork butt, but I usually use country style ribs, because, well that’s what I have at the store. Begin by getting your aggressions out by stabbing four pounds of ribs with a fork on all sides then place them in a large resealable bag or plastic marinating container. Then combine half a cup each of sugar, soy sauce, a quarter cup dry sherry, quarter teaspoon of white pepper, one teaspoon Chinese Five Spice powder, 1 tablespoon sesame oil, two medium minced garlic cloves, about five tablespoons of grated ginger, and six tablespoons of Hoisin sauce. (This is Chinese barbecue sauce. It is a thick mixture of soybeans, sugar, vinegar, garlic and chilies). Save about half a cup of the mixture (for dipping the finished pork in) and pour the remaining marinade into the bag with the pork. Seal the bag and refrigerate for at least thirty minutes but no longer than four hours. Pour about a quarter cup of water in the bottom of the broiling pan and place the pork on the top slotted part, cover tightly with more tinfoil and cook at 300° for twenty minutes. Then remove the foil and cook twenty more minutes. While the ribs are cooking combine a quarter cup ketchup and a third cup of honey in a pan and cook over medium heat until it reduces and becomes syrupy, about four to six minutes. After the second twenty minutes turn on the broiler and baste the ribs with the glaze broiling about two to three minutes each side, basting all sides as you go along. This may take a long time to cook, but it is worth it. The pork has a great sticky sweet taste. The only downside to this recipe is that the clean up is a toal bitch!

For those of you who want an easier main dish try Orange Beef, a modified Rachael Ray recipe (actually the rest of the recipes are modified versions of RR recipes). Begin by making a marinade out of the grated peel of one orange, juice of two oranges, two and a half tablespoons of sesame oil, and one tablespoon each of soy sauce and rice wine vinegar. Slice one pound of rib eye steak into thin bite-size pieces and mix into the marinade; let this sit in the refrigerator for at least thirty minutes. Actually I tend to put together this together in the morning to marinade and when I get home it is ready to go; I’m not very patient. Remove the meat from the marinade, reserving the liquid, and cook over high heat, do this in small batches if the pan looks crowded because if there is too much in the pan the meat will boil not sear. Once done remove and replace with the reserved marinade, bring to a boil and then let it reduce by half before adding one tablespoon of brown sugar to make a glaze. Stir the meat back into the glaze and serve with plain brown rice.

The next two recipes can be used as side dishes or complete meals, and you can choose which vegetables to use because you may not like the same ones as me. All you need to remember is to cut all meat and vegetables into small bite-size pieces to ensure quick cooking. (Also small pieces are easier to pick up with chopsticks if that is your desired utensil).

Let’s start with fried rice. Cook as much rice as you want or need in chicken stock not water, this will add more flavor. When done fluff it with a fork and spread onto a baking sheet to cool. If you decided to make this dish with meat cook it now over high heat, otherwise cook your chosen vegetables. While these cook scramble up two eggs and add to the finished vegetables. While still over high heat stir in the rice and let it cook for a few minutes so that it can crisp up a bit, and then stir in about a half cup of soy sauce.

Moving on to Lo Mein, this is a recipe that I make quite often and I switch up the vegetables and meat according to what I either have on hand or feel like eating that day. The actual recipe calls for spaghetti but if you want to use authentic Asian noodles go ahead. So, cook the pasta till al dente, drain and set aside. Once again if you want to add meat to the dish season it with salt, pepper and sear it over high heat before adding the vegetables. In a separate pan scramble two eggs, when all the individual ingredients are cooked mix them all together. Finally pour in a sauce made from three tablespoons each of Hoisin sauce and soy sauce and a teaspoon of hot sauce. Be aware you will dirty quite a few dishes making this meal; I tend to have this when I need to run my dishwasher.

So there you have it, homemade Chinese food that not only tastes good but also is fairly healthy. Well that is if you actually use vegetables as the main ingredient. One of the plusses for me in making my own take out is that I know exactly what is on my plate; I know that we have those laws pertaining to animal rights, but I have noticed that there are a lack of animals in the general vicinity of Chinese restaurants. Hmm makes you kind of wonder.



Chinese Barbeque Pork
4 Lbs. Boneless pork ribs
½ cup Sugar
½ cup Soy sauce
¼ cup Dry sherry
¼ tsp. White pepper
1 tsp. Chinese Five-Spice Powder
1 Tlbsp Sesame oil
2 cloves Garlic, minced
5 Tlbsp. Ginger, grated
6 Tlbsp. Hoisin sauce
¼ cup Ketchup
1/3 cup Honey

Tenderize the ribs with a fork and place in a resealable bag. Combine the next nine ingredients in a bowl, reserve about half a cup of this mixture and pour the remaining into the bag, marinate the pork for at least 30 minutes but no more than 4 hours. Pour about a ¼ cup of water in the bottom of a broiling pan, place the marinated pork on the slotted top, cover with tin foil and bake at 300° for 20 minutes. Remove foil and cook 20 more minutes. On the stovetop combine ketchup and honey and cook over medium heat until syrupy, 4-6 minutes. Remove ribs from the oven and turn on the broiler. Baste the ribs with the syrup and broil, repeat this for each side. Serve with the reserved sauce.


Orange Beef
2 Oranges, 1 zested & 2 juiced
2 ½ Tlbsp Sesame oil
1 Tlbsp Soy sauce
1 Tlbsp Rice wine vinegar
1 lb. Rib eye steak, sliced bite-sized
1 Tlbsp Brown sugar

Make a marinade from the first four ingredients and pour over the sliced steak, marinate for a few hours. Remove the meat from the marinade and reserve the liquid. Sauté the meat over high heat until browned, remove from pan and replace with the marinade. Bring it to a boil and add the brown sugar to make a glaze. Stir the meat into this glaze and serve over white rice.


Make-It-Your-Own Fried Rice
1 cup Brown rice
1 ½ cups Chicken stock
Assorted vegetables
2 Eggs
½ cup Soy sauce

Bring the chicken stock to a boil and add the rice, cook about 40 minutes or until all liquid is absorbed. Spread it out on a cookie sheet to cool. Sauté your chosen vegetables over high heat, in separate pan scramble the eggs. Combine everything and sauté a little to crisp up the rice. Add the soy sauce and serve.


Anything Lo Mein
1 Lb. Pasta, traditional or rice
Assorted vegetables
2 Eggs
3 Tlbsp Hoisin sauce
3 Tlbsp Soy sauce
1 tsp. Tabasco sauce


Cook pasta according to box directions till al dente, drain and set aside. Sauté your chosen vegetables over high heat, in a separate pan scramble the eggs. Combine everything and mix in a sauce made from the remaining ingredients.